Day Planner
by Xaviera Xylira
Summary: One for Voldemort, one for Harry, one for Snape. I'm not continuing this. You'll live, I'm sure.
1. Voldie's Schedule

A/N: All right, I was bored, so I decided to write this. Now, let me make one thing perfectly clear: This is a PARODY. I'm MAKING FUN of Voldemort. Which means no flames, no death threats saying that I'm evil for supporting Voldie, stuff like that. And while I'm at it, why don't you go read my Remus story? Please? 

Disclaimer: I own nothing. 

Voldemort's Daily Schedule

By: Xaviera Xylira

7:00 AM: Wake up.

7:02: Put Cruciatus Curse on Wormtail for not singing "What A Wonderful World" when I wake up.

7:14: Freshen up: Put in red contacts, apply ridiculously large amounts of white powder to face, practice sneers and frighteningly evil faces in mirror....

7:30: Have breakfast.

7:34: Put Cruciatus Curse on Wormtail for putting butter on my left side instead of my right. 

8:00: Finish breakfast. 

8:10: Order Death Eaters meeting.

8:12: Death Eaters arrive--- plot new ways to kill Harry Potter.

8:38: Put Cruciatus Curse on Avery for calling Harry Potter "Harry Potter" instead of "Stupid mudblood scarhead boy".

9:00: Go into town and capture a few muggles. Take them hostage. Torture them. Enjoy pitiful screams of pain. 

10:00: Perform "Avada Kedavra" on an innocent looking something. 

10:30: Put Cruciatus Curse on Wormtail because it's been a few hours since he's been in pain.

11:00: Give Death Eaters assignments: Spy on Ministry, check up on Dumbledore, kill a few unsuspecting families, the usual.

NOON: Have lunch.

12:03 PM: Slap Wormtail upside the head for cooking my unicorn's heart 3.4 seconds too long.

12:32: Finish lunch. Throw goblet of wine at Wormtail's head because I feel like it.

1:00: Re-apply more white powder to face--- it's starting to wear off.

2:00: Short game of quidditch with Beezlebub himself. Let _him _win. 

2:46: Compliment Beezlebub on the lovely piercing in his horn while offering him tea. Hint how great Death Eater life is.

3:00: If, after all my butt-kissing, Beezlebub still refuses to join me, perform Avada Kedavra on him and his minions. 

4:00: Tea with the Evil Witch of the West and her flying monkeys. Put Cruciatus Curse on Wormtail because he can't turn into a flying monkey.

5:00: Try to kill Harry Potter. Again.

8:00: Fail to kill Harry Potter. Again.

8:02: Put Cruciatus Curse on Wormtail to vent anger. It doesn't work. 

9:00: Torture a few mudbloods before playing darts, using Dumbledoodoo's picture as the target and his overlarge nose as the bull's eye.

9:36: Too many holes in Dumbledore's picture. Can no longer aim correctly. Use Wormtail as target instead.

10:01: Skip dinner. Put Cruciatus Curse on Wormtail for questioning the matter. Stupid fool should have known better.

11:00:Sit down on bed. Put Cruciatus Curse on Wormtail for not making sure that my fluffy pink bunny slippers were fluffy enough.

11:32: Go to sleep, building energy for another hard day of work and torturing innocent victims. 

A/N: Yes, well. You probably think I'm some deranged ax murderer now, but then again, that wouldn't be unusual. I think the only good thing about this... er... schedule thingie is that I got to beat on Wormtail.... A LOT..... well, that was fun, at least. 


	2. Harry's Schedule

A/N: All right, hopefully this shows up, and if it does, then it kind of goes along with Snape's schedule. You should have read this BEFORE Snape's, and I tried to switch the chapters, but.... sigh. Looks like Bill Gates has a whole lifetime of problems ahead of him. 

I owe my inspiration to Jelsemiun, who asked for Harry's schedule. Here it is! Once again, no death threats, I love Harry Potter, THIS IS A PARODY.... And it's also something to do while I write chapter seven of A REMUS STORY. Anyway, I don't know what classes come first, so bear with me in this. 

Disclaimer: Not mine. Any of it.

Harry Potter's Daily Schedule

By: Xaviera Xylira

7:30 AM: Wake up to Ron's snoring. 

7:32: Hit Ron with a pillow to wake him up and discontinue the horrendous snoring. 

8:00: Head down for breakfast after meeting up with Hermione in the Common Room.

8:06: Dodge Peeves, who discovered the school's supply of ever-lasting neon paint and is using it for malicious wrongs (nothing unusual). 

8:15: Eat breakfast. Watch as Malfoy sneers and smirks when passing Gryffindor table. Make mental note to tell Fred and George to aim bludgers directly at him at the next quidditch match. 

8:45: Finish breakfast, then let Hermione drag Ron and me to the library where we will proceed to read up on the "Occamy", Hagrid's new _baby_.

9:00: First class of the day--- Herbology. Pretend to be interested and try not to let Sprout catch Ron and I making "inappropriate faces" behind her back. 

10:15: Care of Magical Creatures. Pretend to be sorry when Hagrid says that the occamy flew away while secretly wondering how the hell a bird that big could fly. 

11:30: Break--- follow Hermione to library to read up on "Graphorns", which Hagrid said would be next class. 

NOON: Have lunch, thanking Merlin for the normal morning. 

12:01 PM: Roll eyes as McGonagall approaches Gryffindor table, saying that Lord Voldemort has ordered an issue saying that he wanted me "dead or alive, but preferrably dead, with my head severed and pickled and roasted and served to him on a silver platter for his dinner." Make mental note to never say things too soon. 

12:45: Proceed to History of Magic, ignoring the whispers, stares, glares, worried glances, blank gawking, gaping, and other such variations. Also ignore Binns droning on about some goblin rebellion or other. And try to ignore Hermione, who is sitting beside me and nagging me to take notes while she herself is writing feverishly. 

2:00: Go with Ron to Divination, making fun of Trelawney the entire time, but only after checking the windowsill for tell-tale blue beetles. Try not to gag when Trelawney predicts my death for the seventy-sixth time (Ron is keeping a tally). 

3:15: Break--- Meet with Hermione in the Great Hall and let her lead Ron and me to the library to read up on curses and jinxes incase dear old Voldie decides to pop up tomorrow night or something. 

3:45: Transfiguration--- Forgive Neville as he apologizes for transfiguring my books into sheep.

5:00: Charms class. Try to ignore the levitating Flitwick and concentrate on making my quill flash different colors. 

6:15: End classes for the day. Thank Merlin that Potions wasn't on the schedule, then proceed to dormitory and then to the quidditch pitch for practice. 

6:23: Duck bludger that Fred sends my way, and ignore when he calls out the excuse for me needing some "surprise action." 

8:30: Quidditch practice over, stick around for some extra rounds after team leaves. 

8:35: Try to look mildly surprised as some Death Eater in disguise makes me touch a portkey, thereby sending me to the super-secret lair of dear old Voldie. 

8:40: Try not to sigh and groan as dear old Voldie tries to be intimidating and makes a big long dramtic speech to his Death Eaters about how THIS will be the FINAL TIME that he'll have to defeat THE BOY WHO LIVED. 

9:05: Speech is finally over. Proceed to duel, try not to get hurt (well, no duh), remember the curses. 

10:55: Escape dear old Voldie with only one broken arm and a few fractured ribs. Wand still perfectly intact, Hogwarts is safe, touch portkey, and it's home sweet home. 

11:00: Look pleased and surprised when awarded 500 house points for defeating dear old Voldie. Make a mental note to write dear old Voldie a thank-you letter for not killing me this time around, and that I look forward to our next meeting. Remember to include coupons to The Three Broomsticks, as usual. 

11:05: Fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow, and prepare for another day. Make sure to put silencing charm on Ron for his snores; it's Double Potions tomorrow, and I need all the sleep I can get. 

A/N: I don't like it. Not as much as Voldie's. But oh well. R/R if you want to. Maybe next time I'll do Snape's schedule... if there is a next time for this "fic"..... 


	3. Snape's Schedule

A/N: Okey dokes, here's Snapie's schedule! Next time, I think I WILL do Sirius's.... thanks for the idea, Star. And please, anyone who is reading this, if you want to read a Remus fic, not slash (not that there's anything wrong with that), set in MWPP days, then read my A Remus Story! And review it! Chapter seven should be up sometime between now and a week from now.... Because I seem to be having better success with this "fic" than with A Remus Story, and this only has two chapters (this being the third). 

This probably won't be as good as Voldie's schedule, but who cares? read and review if you feel the want to, no pressure, but I do LOVE reviewers....

And I'm making up some plants here, so... um... just pretend they exist, okay?

Severus Snape's Daily Schedule

By: Xaviera Xylira

7:00 AM: Wake up to find a cheery fire cracking in the fireplace. Curse those happy little house elves.... 

7:13: Practice sneers, smirks, evil looks, and deep menacing voice after going over the list of insults to use today. 

7:28: Check over Potter's homework one last time to make sure that I didn't miss any mistakes; and then grade him lower if he got any more points than usual. 

7:45: Head down to Great Hall for breakfast after sending Peeves zooming into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. 

8:00: Arrive in Great Hall, eat breakfast, and make sure not to smile at anyone but a Slytherin. 

8:30: Finish breakfast, then proceed to Potions dungeon to prepare for first class. Take out notes, lay out chemicals and herbs, etc. 

9:00: First class of the day. Fifth year Hufflepuffs. Use menacing voice because it's fun to see them squirm in their seats. 

9:17: Glare at Macmillan as he adds an extra kalsey root and excuse him for the Hospital Wing after his nose expands ten times it's regular size. 

10:15: Second class. Third year Slytherins. Tell them how much better they're doing than the third year Gryffindors, and don't give them any homework. 

11:30: Break. After catching Mrs. Norris slipping into Potions Dungeon, "accidentally" lock her in a nearby broom closet and "forget" where she is when Filch comes wailing. 

NOON: Go to Great Hall for lunch. Glare at Gryffindors when passing their table. Eye Potter's goblet wistfully and think of the Veritaserum in robe pocket. 

12:01PM: Roll eyes as an owl leaves a letter in my soup bowl and ignore strange looks from those who noticed (a/n: owl post only comes at breakfast, if I'm correct). A letter from the Dark Lord. How marvelous. Saying that he wants Potter "dead or alive, but preferably dead, with his head severed and pickled and roasted and served to him on a silver platter for his dinner." Roll eyes once more as McGonagall runs off to tell Potter the _shocking _news. 

12:45: Third Class. First year Gryffindors. Have evil, demonic fun and enjoy watching the looks of pure terror on their faces. Assign four-foot parchment essay on the effects of Dolarina Powder, due day after tomorrow. Make mental note to cackle madly when out of hearing distance. 

2:00: Sixth year Ravenclaws. Give page number and assign homework. Ravenclaws are too smart anyway, no point in letting them show it off by having a real lesson. Spend time instead thinking of excuses to get Potter expelled. 

3:15: Break. Write down excuses for getting Potter expelled. Some are too good to forget. 

3:45: Second year Hufflepuffs. Roll eyes as they shuffle shyly into classroom and avoid eye contact. Sigh in exasperation as one girl trembles with fear when called upon. 

5:00: Last class. Seventh year Slytherins. Smile at the future of the world. _These_ are some good students. Assign no homework. Let them have a free study period. They've earned it. They're all such good children.

6:15: End classes for day. Refrain from jumping up and down, throwing papers in the air, and shouting "THANK MERLIN!". Instead, hold back Slytherin captain and send him on a mission to spy on the Gryffindor quidditch team, who's practicing tonight. 

6:28: Once Slytherin captain has left, break out at a fast-paced walk for Dumbledore's office, then proceed in telling him why Potter should be expelled. 

6:38: Trudge dejectedly out of Dumbledore's office after he refuses to see the light and order detention some innocent second-year Ravenclaws for breathing loudly. 

6:45: Pace in office with a serious and thoughtful expression so that if someone happens to drop in unexpectedly I can just say I was "thinking about things" without admitting that I was actually puzzling over _Witch Weekly_'s crossword puzzle. 

7:50: Still pacing. Crossword puzzle is more puzzling than last month's. 

8:30: Quidditch practice is over; Slytherin captain brings me out of my thoughtful state as he knocks noisily on my door. 

8:45: Dissmiss captain, then fume and ramble to myself about those blasted Gryffindors. Sulk even more when thinking of how Potter is actually staying after to _improve _himself. 

9:00: Stop fuming over quidditch to realize that Potter has been hero-napped by some Death Eater in disguise by way of portkey and begin to fume again, this time about the degrading abilities of the Dark Lord. 

9:30: Stop fuming long enough to puzzle over crossword puzzle.

10:00: Start to feel guilty about not feeling sorry for the Dark Lord. The poor half-human thing--- there's really nothing more pathetic than false hope. Start fuming again.

10:55: Refrain from jumping for joy with blissful happiness when discovering that Potter has a broken arm and a few fractured ribs. Then sulk, asking Merlin why he couldn't have broken a few other bones and torn a ligament or something. 

11:00: Bite back nasty comments and outraged exclamations when Dumbledore awards Potter 500 house points for saving the world... again. 

11:05: Fall asleep with a cheery fire cracking in the fire place. Curse those happy little house elves....

A/N: I don't like it as much as Voldie's. Here's some more characters I'm thinking of doing: Sirius, Peeves, Lucius Malfoy, Dumbledore, Rita Skeeter (we'll pretend that she hasn't been turned into a beetle yet), Moaning Myrtle (maybe, really MAYBE), Filch, Draco Malfoy, and possibly Ludo Bagman. Tell me which one you want to see, but I'll be more prone to giving you the schedule you want if you review my Remus story! That was pretty low of me... oh well! others have done it before! ~Xavi


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